Let me start out by saying this isn’t a happy story. This is the story about how I let God down. I know everyone does form time to time. But recently I have been very spiritually weak. I have noticed things that have made me aware of this spiritual weakness, like the fact that I will have fears and bad thoughts that are irrational, yet I cannot shake them from my head. I used to be able to pray very hard to Jesus or to Mary to comfort me and the thoughts would almost instantly disappear. But now they linger and bring me to tears.
I wanted to share this with you because I know many others suffer from periods in their spiritual life when they feel alone, scared, or weak. It could be possible that God is trying to make me a stronger person. I admit I need to be. Sometimes I am so easily broken down.
I also have had a very tough time with forgiveness. It has only been an issue with one thing that has happened in the past year. It affected my relationship with my boyfriend. Another girl was involved; no cheating, mainly flirting. Don’t worry, I won’t bother you with all that drama. The point is I haven’t been able to move past this and I don’t know why. I want to forgive her and forget the situation so badly. But it is stuck in my head and it won’t leave. I felt like I was deceived and I lost trust in a lot of people. It created jealousy and trust issues that I am still working on. I pray that God will get me through this and I can forget it and live as a better person because of it. I want to apologize to her, but I feel like I would also be expecting an apology from her and that’s not the right way to go about it.
Forgiveness is freely given, no expectations. When Jesus forgives us in the sacrament of reconciliation, He does not have expectations. He wants us not to sin again, but if we come back with the same sin, He still forgives. He knows we are human and we make mistakes.
As the new year begins I hope to be more understanding and forgiving like Christ and to pray and trust in God.Tags » forgiveness, God, mercy, trust